I am

I am

I am a New Jersey girl, who got off the turnpike to find her own Garden State
I am a little girl in navy blue shorts, white socks and red round toed sneakers sitting on a ferris wheel beside her big sister
crying on the ride in the night at the town carnival with bright colored lights because something deep inside is all wrong, very wrong
from the big house on Paramus Road with the big side yard, the river running through the back and Mr. Butoni’s fields across the street
the out of doors is the sacred place and has been since the big house in Oakland on Deer Lawn Court and the little house in Oakland on Morton Place near the lake
I am playing in the dirt and finding solace there in mud and sticks and acorn tops
even the little house in Wykoff had it’s place of natural wonder in the side yard and down the road at the railroad tracks
we moved a lot

I am from the ocean, the beautiful ocean at the Jersey shore
magnificent floating on the board and feeling thankful to the father who was often absent, angry, and angst ridden, who moved us from place to place but also taught us to love the sea
to breathe in the sea air
to clean out our lungs he would say
he always wanted to die by walking into the water until he was no more
it was his only place of respite
floating that day after they both were gone
I felt a great connectedness to both of them and to those who came before them and to those who will come after
I floated there that day for hours on the board letting the rise and fall of the sea rock me back and forward in time and circumstance
washed away pain and sadness
released by forgiveness and understanding
loving mother, rogue father

now, my own garden state
having let go of sin and sadness
having let go of repeating and repeating and repeating cycles of family patterns
I am from green fields and warm sunny days hanging laundry on the line
planting echinacea, bee balm, iris, coreopsis
tending tomatoes, beans, lettuce
the trees create walls around our field standing tall above the stone fences
walls of sweet new spring life green
walls of deep hot summer green
walls of autumnal fire light change to come
walls of tall, brown, white, grey limbs reaching to the winter sun
standing there at the tree line in deep white snows listening to the birds flutter back and forth, and back and forth to the feeders
this is pure heaven
screen porch sun set
coffee at first light on the deck
sweet horse nuzzling my neck and shoulder
tuxedo cat lap cat nap
husband sweet and sturdy
I am from my own garden state